Responsible

re·spon·si·ble
Function: adjective
1 a: liable to be called on to answer b (1): liable to be called to account as the primary cause, motive, or agent -a committee responsible for the job> (2): being the cause or explanation -mechanical defects were responsible for the accident> c: liable to legal review or in case of fault to penalties
2 a: able to answer for one's conduct and obligations : trustworthy b: able to choose for oneself between right and wrong
3: marked by or involving responsibility or accountability -responsible financial policies a responsible job
4: politically answerable; especially : required to submit to the electorate if defeated by the legislature —used especially of the British cabinet

I've been thinking a lot lately about responsibility and what I am responsible for. There is a long list and I wonder how much is self imposed and what is a true responsibility. The list:my child, my husband, my job, my family, the school board I serve on, the families and children I represent in serving on the board, my choir, my friends, my Sunday school, my neighbors... the list goes on and on, then the biggest responsibility of all, my relationship with God. The one who handed it all to me in the first place.

Who do I fail when I don't live up to my responsibilities? Am I failing myself or ultimately God? I am struggling lately as I serve on a school board for a Christian school. I want to make decisions based on my deepest convictions and to always put the students and families first. But as with any institution... there are politics at play and egos in the way. That usually causes problems with my convictions. I've been accused of seeing things two ways. Black and White. It is true, I usually do not see or even acknowledge the grey areas. That tends to make me feel more responsible I think. If I am leaning in one direction on a decision I feel that I must stand up and say something.

Yesterday, my daughter asked me a question, because that is all she does now, she is one big question. So I answered her random question with a random answer and she said, "Mommy you know everything". I laughed, knowing how much I don't know.
But you see, when something comes before me that I truly need to answer or that I need to weigh in on, I feel obligated...responsible to find out the answer so that I can speak with truth and conviction when the time comes. I study, I investigate, I ask questions. It must be said here, that Prayer is so important. I find myself driving to a board meeting praying this prayer, "please give me wisdom, please give me discernment, please make my ears hear truth and know when something is false. Help me to speak clearly and make my thoughts clear and my words purposeful". I pray it over and over.

I feel a heavy burden sometimes, right now is one of those times. Just to make sure that I am doing all I am supposed to do... but praying that God lets me know exactly what that is and that most of all I take myself out of the picture and let God do the leading and I do the following.