Sunday, June 15

My Story

My sister encouraged me to share my testimony today. She participated in Seek the Lord Sunday's over at Call Her Blessed so I thought it would be good to let you all know a little... OK a LOT more about me. I pray this speaks to you, but most of all I hope it speaks to the wife who suffers from disappointment and despair and unfaithfulness. I pray you find hope in my story.

I accepted Jesus as my savior as a 7 year old. Led to the Lord by my father and I was baptized. I believed early on that God would fulfill his purpose for my life. I learned about God’s faithfulness, in Sunday school, youth group and especially through the witness of my parent’s. Waking most every morning to find my Mother praying with her Bible on her lap. Many of those prayers had my name on them.
I went away to college. A small Baptist school. I felt prepared to face life and whatever would come my way. I was strong in my walk with the Lord and I couldn't wait to see what God had planned for me. While at college, as many people do, I fell in love and got married. I thought, this is what you do, go to school, find the guy, get married, start a perfect Christian story book life.

What I discovered 5 months into our marriage was my Christian husband was addicted to pornography. It was a secret that had already been damaging his walk with the Lord for 5 years. It had such a tight grip on him and it brought unfaithfulness and deception into our home. I was ashamed and too embarrassed to tell anyone, especially my family. I was naive and did not understand that this addiction is a huge problem not only in the secular world but most assuredly our churches today and Satan is using it to destroy Christian men and Christian homes. I am certain it affects families of women reading this today. It is important for wives to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It is important for men to know YOU MUST GET HELP and you MUST repair your relationship with God and your wife.

Soon into my marriage, I began to understand what Ps. 57:2 Says, “ I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me.” I was crying out to God. It was the beginning of a long lesson as God revealed His faithfulness to “work all things for good for those who love Him”.

My self esteem at this point was gone and my marriage was soon in shambles. But God never failed to show himself to me in those times of defeat and depression. He reminded me those words, “I will never leave you or forsake you” “I will work all things for good” “ I have a purpose for your life”. I held to the promises I had learned growing up as I continued to pray for my husband, my marriage and my life.

As the years passed, I finally got the courage to tell my family what was really going on in my marriage. I did not know then, but understand now, the sorrow and desperation my parents must have felt as they watched me struggle to try and make something out of my marriage and my life. This life I could never have imagined for myself, This hurt I never dreamed a good Christian girl would experience. But, the years passed and the level of his addiction increased and the lies he told and his unwillingness to repent were more than I could take, emotionally and physically, after eight years, I finally left.

Divorce was the ultimate failure, I thought. The disappointment I felt in myself, and in disappointing my God and family was almost to hard to bear. I was devastated and heartbroken.

BUT in the lowest moments I knew, God is faithful when a husband is not. God is faithful and true and I can believe Him. “I cried out to God Most High who fulfils his purpose for me.” I held to Psalm 121. “ I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord. He will not let your foot slip, He who watches over you will not slumber.” And my favorite hymn, "Great is thy Faithfulness, Morning by morning new Mercies I see, Thou changest not, they compassion's they FAIL NOT”. Those were the words that brought me peace and the assurance that I would make it through.

My parents, family and friends continually prayed for me. My parents were faithful to lift me up in prayer knowing that God is faithful. Those prayers, I believe, sustained me and gave me strength to continue on.

And now, I have a wonderful husband, who also grew up at the same church I did. And, God has fulfilled a dream of mine that I had given up early in my first marriage, to have a daughter. Her name is Kathryn. Now, with out a doubt I know God’s purpose for me. To faithfully pray for her, as my parents prayed for me.


16 comments:

Daiquiri said...

Oh,Lana. Thank you for taking the time to share such a personal and painful story. It is inspiring, to be sure! God is awesome, how he can bring joy from such heartache :)

It was wonderful to have your participation in STLS. I hope you join us again.

Daiquiri

Cammie said...

Wow! We fight that same battle in this household.

Years ago, my husband and I went to see, 'The Passion of Christ' and he broke down in the parking lot after the movie (after he already had to go throw up during the movie - was God working on him, or what!) He told me that he was addicted to porn. That he had been since high school.

Neither of us have decided to call it quits at this point. We fight the battle everyday. We get comfortable and then it will come to life again and we have to fight the battle again! He has participated in a support group and the dialogue between us is very open.

This was very new to me...I had nevver heard of porn addiction...and now I know that it is having affects in many households!

Thank you so much for sharing! God is using you to reach many!

lana said...

Cammie,
I am so thankful that you have a husband who is willing to seek help. I will pray for you and him. I am sorry you are living this, but God is using it in your marriage for some purpose. Thanks for sharing this with me to help pray for you.

Lisa said...

I am so proud of you for sharing this. I know it is painful for you to revisit. You are a great testimony to God's faithfulness. I pray that your words can speak to someone. Love you.

Amy B said...

Lana,

I too have gone through the pain of divorce but am now married to an amazing man! Thank you so much for sharing your story.

mytudorhouse said...

That is such a beautiful testimony, God is awesome.

Amy

Tal Prince said...

Hello, my name is Tal Prince and I host a radio show on Sirius Satellite Radio every Sunday night. I'm also a recovering sex and porn addict.

This was something my precious wife did not know before we were married, one afternoon I finally confessed everything to her and we both got into individual counseling. It's very important that both spouses realize their roles in this stuff - it's awful and it's insidious.

The statistics are overwhelming. 70% of church lay leaders confess to hitting internet porn sites at at least once a week, and 40% of pastors admit the same.

40% of Evangelical women confess to hitting internet porn sites as well. It's really troubling.

I am so sorry for the pain that you have been through, and am happy that you now have a marriage that is working better.

Trust me, you know many more than you think you do that are struggling with this. The statistics are overwhelming here.

We talk about it on my show a great deal, and will be again this coming Sunday night at 8 CST on Sirius 161.

You may like to go and listen to a broadcast with my wife, Teresa, to hear our story. You can go to www.talprincelive.com and hit the archive broadcasts and find it there.

If we can be of any help to any of your readers, please don't hesitate to contact us. Our ministry is based in this struggle.

Thank you for your transparency!

Grace and Peace,
tal

lana said...

Tal,
Thanks for your words here. I've been able to speak at our church to a few times on this subject. I was familiar with your statistics and I'm glad you put them here for others to see. I agree, counseling for all involved is very important, unfortunatly in my situation I was the only one willing to continue with it.
I'll pray for the work you are doing it is true ministry.

Cheryl said...

Lana,

Great testimony. I think when I was younger and the way we were raised, we were also quite naive. I think today's generation may not be so naive. I dated a man and in the process realized he had a lot of problems, pornography being one. I'm sure I don't have a clue as to all his problems. He was not willing to be honest and I felt it was in my best interest to get out of this relationship. He had many problems and caused many for me, but I'm thrilled to say that I'm out of that mess. I'd rather be alone and happy than with someone and miserable.

Thanks for visiting my blog and the comment on the rocks. My Mom loved them. She loves rocks and all kinds of garden things. So it was a great choice for her.

Blessings!
Cheryl

Mel's World said...

WOW Lana...thank you so much for your honesty and transparency. If only so many other Christian women would open up and share their truths with each other then we could begin to heal, help, care, and release each other.

I know that had to be so very hard on you to post about, but what a blessing it is when you are obedient to what God has laid on your heart.

Well done...
Melissa

Melanie said...

Lana, I know this must have been a difficult post to write. You wrote it beautifully, though, and touched my heart as I read your words. I am so thankful that God has blessed with a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter.

Kate said...

I was blessed by your testimony and can identify with your struggle. Thanks for sharing it.

I am looking for the owner of a 'fearfully and wonderfully made clip art photo in order to request permission for use in a photo book designed to help the reader know that each of us is 'fearfully and wonderfully made by God. The book is designed that each reader will have the opportunity to place his/her name of the first page. I do not know at this time if it will be a profit or non-profit venture, but the tithe belongs to the Lord nonetheless. Please contact me (Kate) at pawamedics4life@gmail.com. Thank you.

ilovemy5kids said...

I actually found your site from your sisters. I saw your name and had to come see.

What an awesome testimony! Thanks so much for sharing.

May the Lord continue to bless your words to be able to bless others!

In Christ alone,
Lana
(now you know why I had to come over.)

photoqueen said...

Lana, I found you through the soup carnival from BooMama today. We've dealt with this issue - and others - in my marriage. I also was naive and sheltered. I’m sorry you had to go through such a struggle in your first marriage, but I’m thankful to hear God has blessed you with a new family. Thank you for sharing your story!

Its So Very Cheri said...

Lana-this is my first time to your blog. What a sweet and precious testimony, through heart break can come joy.

I will click to follow and hope you'll stop by and consider doing the same.

Cheri

Sharon said...

thank you for sharing your powerful testimony! I came here through Lana's testimony and have been moved by both of your witnesses... Glory be to God for His power and healing!

Blessing!

I'll also invite you to wing by if you have the chance today -- I host a weekly carnival on JOY and I'm betting you might have some of that to share!

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