My sister encouraged me to share my testimony today. She participated in Seek the Lord Sunday's over at Call Her Blessed so I thought it would be good to let you all know a little... OK a LOT more about me. I pray this speaks to you, but most of all I hope it speaks to the wife who suffers from disappointment and despair and unfaithfulness. I pray you find hope in my story.
I accepted Jesus as my savior as a 7 year old. Led to the Lord by my father and I was baptized. I believed early on that God would fulfill his purpose for my life. I learned about God’s faithfulness, in Sunday school, youth group and especially through the witness of my parent’s. Waking most every morning to find my Mother praying with her Bible on her lap. Many of those prayers had my name on them.
I went away to college. A small Baptist school. I felt prepared to face life and whatever would come my way. I was strong in my walk with the Lord and I couldn't wait to see what God had planned for me. While at college, as many people do, I fell in love and got married. I thought, this is what you do, go to school, find the guy, get married, start a perfect Christian story book life.
What I discovered 5 months into our marriage was my Christian husband was addicted to pornography. It was a secret that had already been damaging his walk with the Lord for 5 years. It had such a tight grip on him and it brought unfaithfulness and deception into our home. I was ashamed and too embarrassed to tell anyone, especially my family. I was naive and did not understand that this addiction is a huge problem not only in the secular world but most assuredly our churches today and Satan is using it to destroy Christian men and Christian homes. I am certain it affects families of women reading this today. It is important for wives to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It is important for men to know YOU MUST GET HELP and you MUST repair your relationship with God and your wife.
Soon into my marriage, I began to understand what Ps. 57:2 Says, “ I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me.” I was crying out to God. It was the beginning of a long lesson as God revealed His faithfulness to “work all things for good for those who love Him”.
My self esteem at this point was gone and my marriage was soon in shambles. But God never failed to show himself to me in those times of defeat and depression. He reminded me those words, “I will never leave you or forsake you” “I will work all things for good” “ I have a purpose for your life”. I held to the promises I had learned growing up as I continued to pray for my husband, my marriage and my life.
As the years passed, I finally got the courage to tell my family what was really going on in my marriage. I did not know then, but understand now, the sorrow and desperation my parents must have felt as they watched me struggle to try and make something out of my marriage and my life. This life I could never have imagined for myself, This hurt I never dreamed a good Christian girl would experience. But, the years passed and the level of his addiction increased and the lies he told and his unwillingness to repent were more than I could take, emotionally and physically, after eight years, I finally left.
Divorce was the ultimate failure, I thought. The disappointment I felt in myself, and in disappointing my God and family was almost to hard to bear. I was devastated and heartbroken.
BUT in the lowest moments I knew, God is faithful when a husband is not. God is faithful and true and I can believe Him. “I cried out to God Most High who fulfils his purpose for me.” I held to Psalm 121. “ I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord. He will not let your foot slip, He who watches over you will not slumber.” And my favorite hymn, "Great is thy Faithfulness, Morning by morning new Mercies I see, Thou changest not, they compassion's they FAIL NOT”. Those were the words that brought me peace and the assurance that I would make it through.
My parents, family and friends continually prayed for me. My parents were faithful to lift me up in prayer knowing that God is faithful. Those prayers, I believe, sustained me and gave me strength to continue on.
And now, I have a wonderful husband, who also grew up at the same church I did. And, God has fulfilled a dream of mine that I had given up early in my first marriage, to have a daughter. Her name is Kathryn. Now, with out a doubt I know God’s purpose for me. To faithfully pray for her, as my parents prayed for me.